"Let's Grow Together": A Study of Substack Circle Jerkery

Substack users will understand that you cannot log on to the app without a slew of posts explaining how small accounts must grow together. But are these messages as genuine as they appear?

I joined Substack on the back of my decision to quit sports gambling, a favorite hobby of mine. There is nothing better than throwing some moola down on a match or game and spending the day/afternoon/or night sweating out a bet. It’s exhilarating, fun, and gives you a chance to flex some hard-earned knowledge. Sure, the losses sting far more than the wins feel good, but nobody could tell me with a straight face that there are many better adrenaline rushes in life that don’t require you to leave the comfort of your couch.

My decision to give it up, however, was all in the name of one human whom I now hate more than Chris Christie hates getting a kid-sized candy bar on Halloween. This individual, who shall remain nameless (for fear of my 13 avid subscribers sending a barrage of hate messages), was the end of my illustrious, and mostly unsuccessful, gambling career. Watching ‘Loser McGee’ fail as a -400 favorite as the last leg in a +800 parlay pushed me to my wits’ end – I was finito and have not placed a single bet since. Thanks a lot, Ben Shelton – I just couldn’t let him slide, sorry (especially since he proceeded this shitshow with making the Wimbledon Quarterfinals).

Fast forward to the present day, and I have been thoroughly enjoying writing and dumping my brain’s daily, dumb thoughts onto Substack. Even though not many people are reading, and those who are have lost brain cells in doing so, the challenge of building a small community of fellow idiots is incredibly appealing to me. For as the famous Chinese war strategist Sun Tzu once said: “An army of terminally online morons hath the strength of ten thousand lions.” Something like that anyway. He was kind of a weird dude that Sun fella, always going on about war and slaying thine enemy. Hey Sun, how about instead of fantasizing about demolishing your adversaries, you start a Substack blog about traditional Chinese cooking? Maybe a game of Risk? I digress.

There are many writers who I find interesting and entertaining on Substack, a testament to its success and its ability to attract talented individuals like myself. There is one style of post that is most prevalent, though, and it typically is formatted as such:

“New Substack users, if you have less than X amount of subscribers, I want to read and support your work. Drop your Substack below and let’s help each other grow!”

These posts are never-ending, like screaming into a hall of mirrors. I once heard some statistic that claimed something like two-thirds of internet content is pornography (nice). Never verified it, but sounds right enough to me. Lotta horned up weirdos out there. Well, that’s how I feel about seeing these posts on this app. According to a recent Gallup survey, roughly 97.6% of Substack feed posts are approximately the same: an autofellatic loop of writers writing to other writers about writing to writers. Make sense?

Let’s take a look at some of the most creative and inventive ways some individuals have gone about peddling this type of groundbreaking content.

Naveen! My guy! Done deal. I initially saw this quick blurb and thought, Wow, Naveen is a true altruist. What an incredible idea and way to help smaller, growing accounts. But sadly, I kept scrolling.

You think you know a guy and then he goes and pulls this shit? You’re better than this, Naveen, or so I thought. Either he is the Substack version of John Cena fulfilling make-a-wishes, or our dear friend N (as his friends call him) is attempting to game the algorithm with the ambition of gaining visibility for himself. Maybe he isn’t the guy I thought he was, but more investigation is required.

I agree entirely, Phillip, some of the best Substacks do have tiny newsletters, see my own for proof of concept. Are Phillip and Naveen friends? N never mentioned him to me, if so. Regardless, I am psyched to “grow together” with my two new friends.

At this point, I am beginning to get deja vu. This feels just like my junior year of college, standing in the corner of the party checking the Weather app while my peers dance to “Mr. Brightside (Two Friends Remix).” Was there some Substack-wide memo that I missed out on? Did Chris Best instruct all the cool kids to promote one another, with the condition that the phrase “Let’s Grow” must be used? Well, I’m trying to remain calm here, but it’s starting to feel like I am the lone man out. Surely that’s the last of it though…

FUCK! Even the “19 Year Old Economist” is in on this. Not looking good for me at all. Well, if you must know, Mr. Economist, your involvement is starting to making me wonder if I’m the one who doesn’t get it. And to be frank, you look just quite intimidating for a measly economist:

More like “19 going on 35 year old Economist”, am I right? I mean, this guy is killing it at life: predicting and understanding every microscopic trend of the economy, riding on private planes, wearing fancy blue suits, and diamond earrings. All this, and he still has time to give back to the little guys! Legend.

What a time to be alive. An all-star roster of superb writers reaching back and helping those still trying to find their way. Hemingway would never, and that is why he will not (in my opinion) be viewed in the same esteem as someone like Mr. Economist. History smiles down on the kind, Earnest.

Thank you for reading, no matter how small you are. Please drop your Substack in the comment section. If you support me, I will support you. Let’s grow together!
I am looking forward to connecting with you!